I don't want to go
by pondglorious
Summary: I decided to write this to cope with the news of Matt's departure at Christmas, so here's Eleven's regeneration scene if I where able to write it. Eleven/Clara pairing.


"I don't want to be alone this time", He tells her. "I was alone last time." But she already knows that. She nods understandingly. Tears start to form in her eyes, and she feels selfish for it. "It's okay, Clara, it's going to be okay," he whispers. She knows it's going to be okay; she's seen it so many times before, she knows he's not dying, she knows he'll still be there with her when it's done. But it won't be him- it won't be the silly, ridiculous Doctor she fell in love with. Soon, those eyes that looked at her in such adoration would be replaced by two new ones. The hands that held hers and caressed her face would have a new, unfamiliar feel, the clumsy, lanky body that fit so well wrapped around her in a hug would be shifted to a foreign physique. She can't pretend she's okay with it- but she knows she will accept it no matter what. Whatever shape or form he is, was, or will be, he is still her Doctor, and nothing will ever change that.

She takes this secret vow as he stares at her curiously. Time is running out. He can feel his body stirring, shifting. Soon he will look upon her with a fresh view, and he wants to take in her beauty, to savor it through the lenses he first saw it with. He takes the few strides to reach her from across the TARDIS console and entwines his hand in her hair, pressing her tear stained face close to his. "Clara Oswin Oswald," he says breathlessly, "you are beautiful." She manages a slight laugh through the downpour soaking her cheeks. "Shh, don't do that. It's not goodbye. I'm still here. I always will be, no matter what happens next.' He strokes her hair soothingly. "Don't comfort me," Clara says. "Doctor, I'm not the one who's regenerating here-" He closes his eyes, willing the chaos beginning to ensue in his body to hold off for just a few more moments. He is far more concerned with her at the moment than the hell that was starting to devour his body. "Are you okay, Clara? If you're okay, then I am. Tell me you're okay, and I will accept this wholeheartedly. Give me the strength to get through this again." Clara nods in response. Without warning, he Doctor takes her face firmly in his hands and kisses her lightly, quickly on the lips. When they break apart, Clara laughs lightly.

"I'd hate to say I told you so at a moment like this, but I knew you'd rather die than say it," She breathed, remembering the Cyber Planner. He smiles down at her. That's exactly what he needed to hear. Clara still remaining now herself was the ultimate comfort; he hoped it would stay that way, after. "It's starting," he noted, removing his hands calmly from her face. They were shining a vibrant yellow now, as if a golden dust was floating all around them emitting a soft, beautiful glow. Clara wiped her tears away and took a deep breath in an attempt to prepare herself. He was backing away from her now, and glow was increasing all over his body and would continue to increase until his whole body was as if it were aflame. He fixes his bowtie one last time as the gold dust completely conceals his hands. He looks over at her with an overly reassuring, but genuine, smile.

"Right then, Clara Oswald," He says, "Don't forget to remember." He looks oddly content considering the hell he was about to go through, which worries Clara. "Remember me, you clever girl." He winks at her. And as the flames consume him, memories flash before his eyes uncontrollably. He sees little Amelia Pond gazing at him in wonder in her garden. He sees her as a grown woman, her flaming red hair flowing over a police costume. He sees Rory in his nurse uniform, his face so young and innocent and utterly baffled by the sudden appearance of the Doctor. And he sees them sometime later, dancing on their wedding day, and River is there, teasing him relentlessly in the garden of all the things he doesn't know about her. He sees them all on the golden sand and shimmering lake in Utah, and he sees little Amelia standing next to grown up Amy in that hotel room as he tells her that it's time we saw each other as we really are. And there is Amy again, standing with her back towards him, fiery hair billowing in the wind as she faces an angel that will determine her fate forever. She turns towards him like she had before, saying her last farewell. And then came Clara, his Clara. She walks on the clouds and falls from them to her death all over again, and he can feel the way hope and happiness were restored to his hearts when she agreed to come away with him as she layed on her deathbed. And he sees modern Clara as she fulfills that promise, he sees her face trying to conceal its fascination at the vast universe that unfolded in front of her eyes as he guided her through the wonders of time and space. He sees her jumping into his timestream just to save him, and then jumping into his embrace, and he can feel the relief of having her safe in his arms and his face buried in her hair.

His body isn't his own anymore. It's changing. The last thing he remembers is Clara's soft lips pressed against his, his final moment of fleeting ecstasy before the casualty begins.

Then Everything explodes.


End file.
